My Twitter Responses That I Didn’t Tweet


I have a bit of a love/hate relationship with Twitter. Granted, there’s some good stuff on there. Interesting scientific articles I wouldn’t otherwise come across. Play-by-plays of those high school games I can’t make it to. A video of a dog letting a squirrel dance on its head. Good stuff.

But there are also plenty of Tweets that I scroll through, thinking: I don’t know what they’re talking about; I’m not sure why I’m even following this person; I really don’t need to know what the nightly special is at the BBQ Palace in Tennessee. I don’t reply to these Tweets, but I do craft some responses in my mind. Allow me to get some of them off my chest.

Welcome to my newly updated front entrance! I added decorative baskets to hide the clutter.

By chance would you have decorative baskets big enough to hide 23 pairs of shoes and two pairs of mud-caked boots? What about three backpacks and two bags, a couple mateless mittens and a bowling ball? What do you think would look nice beside the liquid poop my dog left in our entryway the other day? I think a rug in just the right shade could’ve really complemented the cocoa brown color…

Spring Break is almost here! Walmart is your Smuckers #snackstation destination!

Note to Self: Read this since Walmart is probably the most exotic place we will visit this Spring Break. Besides, a snackstation sounds way more fun than a gas station or a police station. Or a weigh station.

Save Those Bananas to Make #Banana #Waffles

You posted this because you saw me throw away those three black bananas this morning, didn’t you? The ones that I found hidden under a couple questionable oranges in a basket on the counter. (The basket, of course, was itself covered by an empty plastic grocery sack and a half-eaten box of Girl Scout cookies.) I have such good intentions with bananas. I really do. I even once tried to freeze some disgusting rotting bananas so I could bake some delicious banana bread or maybe a banana cake with buttercream frosting. I threw the bananas away three years later.

Man pleads guilty in sex toy robbery case.

Wait–what? Why? This brings to mind all sorts of questions that I really wish were not in my mind. And pictures. Icky, icky pictures. Did he hold up a street vendor selling unmentionables out of his trench coat? Or was it some elaborate Mission-Impossible type heist that involved crawling through laser beam alarms to get to a locked glass case filled with a 24-karat fake wiener? Ewww. Just ewwww.

So MANY fun food ideas for HEALTHY ST. PATTY’S DAY FOODS.”

Ok, this would imply that I a) make special food for St. Patrick’s Day (or even really acknowledge apart from wearing my “Kiss Me I’m Iowish” T-shirt and possibly pinching one of the kids who inevitably isn’t wearing green)…and b) even if I DID make St. Patty’s Day food, you really think I would want to make it HEALTHY? Where’s the fun in that? 

The Ultimate Christmas Cookie Exchange (40+ Recipes)

Um, It’s March…?

#Sweepstakes — Enter to win a Bedroom Makeover Prize Package.

You’re implying I’m not already slumbering in the bedroom of my dreams. Complete with a couple of end tables that I purchased at Goodwill and (after spilling water and ruining the tops) have now covered in a lovely pattern of Contact paper; a canvas and plastic-covered clearly-made-for-college-students shelving unit that zips up the front but is too full to actually zip; a laundry basket completely overflowing with various sizes and shades of single socks that I’m afraid are never going to find their “sole”mate; plastic mini blinds in a soothing shade of yellowing-white and missing two slats, just enough to give passersby a show if they look closely; and a dog (yes, the one that poops in the entryway) usually burrowed under the covers of the unmade bed.

Your kids are always watching you. Be the person you want them to become. 

No pressure or anything! <<Flashback to last night when I spent the evening in bed on Twitter eating out of a half-gone bag of store-brand semi-sweet chips when I could have been feeding the hungry–or even feeding something besides Hot Pockets and hot dogs to my own kids. (Sadly, I’m really not kidding.)>>

10 Tips to Use Social Media for Motivation (Instead of Procrastination)

I’ll read that article tomorrow.

In case you missed it: Ad: Tyson Premium Cornish Hens Recipe

Hallelujah! Because I have a couple cornish hens in my fridge that I did NOT know what to do with! (Along with some figgy pudding.)

Thank you for allowing me to Tweet-vent, friends. I feel so much better.

Now excuse me while I check Twitter to see what I’ve missed…


Move over Honey Boo Boo

This morning I was checking my email when I came across an email from Lisa Leonard Designs announcing that Lisa and her family will be the subject of a new reality TV show, “Life By Design.” If you don’t know who Lisa Leonard is, you must take a moment and click over to her site. She is an amazing artist and blogger who creates incredible jewelry and photography, and her life story, faith and outlook are just as inspiring as her necklaces and bracelets. I’ve had the pleasure of meeting Lisa (although I’m pretty sure I did not make as a distinct impression on her as she made on me!), and she is charming, gracious and kind.

So this got me to thinking…if someone were to make my life into a reality TV show, what would people see? Watching the trailer for Lisa’s show, I saw she and her husband working together at home and at work, and I saw an incredibly calm and patient Lisa interacting with her two boys. If a production company were to pluck down a camera crew in our house, would the result be inspiring, like Lisa’s show, or train-wreck horrifying, like, say, Honey Boo Boo’s?

I’m really afraid to think what the answer would be.

Taking the past few days as a small slice of our life, here’s what a typical episode would include.

Paula and Husband spent two chilly evenings and one frigid morning watching their sons play football and soccer. During the soccer game, they were heard to be cheering for the clock to run faster and for their son to run at all, as he prefers to just follow slowly behind the rest of the team so he doesn’t accidentally get kicked in a fight for the ball.

Paula made two trips to the local archery shop to the dismay of the shop owner, who undoubtedly wanted to pull his hair out when she kept calling the arrows “bows.” Husband reinforced his own hunting prowess when he asked Boy #1 what he was going to do with the deer once he “caught it” (with a lasso, maybe?). Boy #1 promised Paula that he would someday shoot her a wild turkey so she could get it stuffed and mounted on a big tree branch to hang in their living room, just like the one they saw at the archery shop. Paula hopes he realized she was kidding.

Unexpected company prompted Paula to secretly die inside when her sister-in-law came inside her home to see the boys, two of whom were, of course, still in their underwear, and the dog, who had just peed on Boy #3’s coat that was, of course, laying on the floor, along with about 15 loads-worth of dirty laundry that had been moved from the bedrooms and was now piled up in the hallway for public display.

Paula came home from a scrapbooking event to find the boys had actually picked up a few things (but curiously left a pair of dirty underwear in plain sight) and that Husband, despite not having gotten the kitchen cleaned up from the last few meals, had baked an apple pie. From scratch. Yes, even the crust. Paula ate one piece. Then she ate Boy #2’s piece that he had left on the counter. Then for breakfast the next morning, she ate another piece. (She forgave him for not cleaning up afterward.) Later Paula and Husband ignored the dishes and laundry and opted instead to veg out in front of the DVR, watching two episodes of “Person of Interest” and the series premiere of “Elementary” (Go CBS!).

Other highlights of the episode include Paula finding a petrified Hot Pocket in a cup on her dresser and Boy #2 sending the following text to her at bowling: “So I’m guessing if the French bread is green, I shouldn’t eat it?”

I’m pretty much convinced that our reality show would be a cross between Hoarders and Honey Boo Boo.

Athough, after reading that Honey Boo Boo’s family now makes up to $20,000 per episode, I could probably learn to live with that.

Vote for some smart kids with a cool idea

Burns & McDonnell Battle of the Brains logoOkay, I don’t usually do this kind of thing on my blog, but I figured, hey, it’s my blog, I get to do whatever I want, right? That’s what I thought.

Well, I was just so impressed with what a group of kids is doing that I had to share with you all. (And beg for votes on their behalf.) A friend of mine from high school sent out an email explaining a contest one of her sons (and his group) is a finalist in. It’s called Burns & McDonnell Battle of the Brains. First of all, how awesome is it to be a finalist in a contest like “Battle of the Brains”?! The only contest I would likely find myself a finalist in is “Battle of the Trashiest Van” or “How High Can You Pile YOUR Laundry?” (And I’m pretty sure I could rock BOTH those contests, thank you very much.)

For this contest, the kids were supposed to create a proposal for the next exhibit at Kansas City’s Science City museum. Their entry, City Imagineerium, was chosen as one of 20 finalists from 560. Not too shabby! And looking over their proposal, I was impressed. Even though I am not a math and science geek, I AM married to one, and I also apparently gave birth to three other geeklings as well. I love that these kids are so interested in engineering and learning how buildings and cities work. Someday these kids will be planning our cities and designing our skyscrapers; if they want to get a head start on it, I say go for it! And I LOVE that imagination is emphasized along with science, math, technology and engineering. Sometimes schools get so bogged down in the concreteness of math and science that they forget to remind kids that without imagination and the willingness to dream and “think outside the bubble sheet,” none of these theories and principles would have been discovered. After being married to my math teacher hubby for so long, I’ve learned that math is really a creative and even beautiful discipline. (Just don’t ask me to divide fractions, please.)

One other thing that impressed me about my friend’s son’s group is that his is the only science CLUB represented. He is home-schooled and joined the LEARN Science & Math Club this year. The other entries all represent high schools or school districts. With that comes the power of the PTA and district media to spread the word. Being just a club with a handful of kids, LEARN is in some ways, the underdog. And I always love me a good underdog.

LEARN Science & Math Club's Battle of the Brains team
Battle of the Brains team from LEARN Science & Math Club

So if you have a free minute, head over to the Battle of the Brains website and check out the proposal. And if you’d like, go ahead and give them your vote. You can vote once per day until Nov. 18. I know they’d really appreciate it!