Damn you, swimsuit season. Damn you all to hell!

Okay, a quick post this morning to let you know I’m sending out an S.O.S. I want to lose 10 pounds by July 4. I need HELP! If any of you have any ideas that don’t involve exercising or changing what I eat, I’d love to hear from you. JUST KIDDING! I realize I’m going to have to get this middle-aged body back in shape if I want to fit back into my clothes again. But why does it have to be so HARD? Maybe because my body is working against me!

Allow me to whine for a few moments about my thyroid. (Picture me giving it the finger.) This all started after Boy #2 was born and I felt like my feet were encased in cement. It took THAT much energy to put one foot in front of the other. After realizing that it wasn’t just because I was a working mom of 2 boys, I convinced a doctor to check my thyroid. And what do you know? I was extremely hypothyroid. (translation: low on thyroid hormones) In fact, my doctor said I was the worst case she had seen. GREAT! And the cause was an autoimmune disease–Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis, which means this wouldn’t just go away after I was done having babies. But fortunately, synthetic thyroid hormones are a fairly easy treatment, and aside from having to get my levels checked regularly, I was back in business.

That is, until last summer. Five years and another boy later, I started feeling bad again. This time, fatigue with bouts of heart palpitations and absolutely no attention span. Back to the doctor and a referral for a thyroid scan and this time it’s hyperthyroidism caused by Graves’ Disease. My first thought: Ooh, maybe I’ll at least lose weight since one of the main symptoms is rapid weight loss. But no. Lucky me. I’m one of the few people who actually GAINS weight with Graves’ Disease. Of course I am. Why was I surprised?

Fast-forward to Thanksgiving and a thyroid ablation, which means I swallowed a radioactive iodine pill, was “radioactive” for 2 days, and had to stay away from my kids and flush twice when I peed. Then came the death watch. Waiting for my thyroid to die. Unfortunately, it was not a quick and painless death. Oh, no. It was slow and prolonged. I think I slept nearly the entire month of January. But finally—February and “Ding-Dong the Thyroid’s Dead”! But standing in its wake was me, 15 pounds heavier with dark circles that make a meth addict look perky!

So after 3+ months of extreme panty lines and having to repeatedly tell my 3-year-old, “No, Mommy is NOT having a baby!”, I am deciding to quit feeling sorry for myself and start taking back my body.

The question now becomes—how? This is where you come in. If you’ve got some ideas that don’t involve completely cutting out my second love–carbs–or eating only green beans and grapefruit, I’m all ears. I have a feeling , though, that I’m going to end up having to start running again. Shudder. I hate running. My body was soooo not built for running. But somehow two years ago I found myself training for a half-marathon with two friends. I actually completed two without going into cardiac arrest! And what did I do after completing the Omaha Half-Marathon in my best time by far? Quit running. Cold turkey. Hopefully it will all come back to me when I start up again. Kind of like riding a bike. But I’m afraid it will be more like riding a unicycle while juggling flaming torches and balancing a stack of teacups on my head.

Oh well. I know things could be MUCH worse. Thanks for letting me throw my little pity party. I’ll be here, munching on a carrot stick and not-so-patiently waiting for your words of wisdom about how I can transform from a middle-aged, pudgy mom to a “You-can’t-be-36-and-a-mom-of-3-boys-there-must-be-some-mistake” hottie. No pressure.


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