Friends, I’m sorry I’ve neglected you. I can’t believe that I haven’t blogged since MONDAY! Blame it on PMS or on my ever-fluctuating brain chemicals, but I have just been in a FUNK this week. And not a “Let’s get FUNKY!” kind of funk, either, where I dance around in my bell bottoms and platform shoes to the Bee Gees (or, as we had growing up, “Sounds Like the Bee Gees.” Apparently an ACTUAL Bee Gees record was just too rich for our blood.). Instead, it’s the kind of funk that’s kind of like a fog that you can’t find your way out of. Been here lots of times before. But it’s still no fun.
It’s just a combination of things that are bringing me down a bit. Like the fact that we’re in our second full week of school and ALREADY I feel like I have lost all sense of order at home. We don’t have a good routine down, the place is a pigsty, and I am constantly flying by the seat of my pants when it comes to dinners. Why is it that every year I say I’m going to get organized, take control, and create a do-able routine for the kids, and every year it doesn’t take long before the laundry’s been sitting in the washer for three days, I’m yelling at the kids before bed, and someone can’t find his shoes before school?!
And Boy #3, who is in his first full week at an all-day early childhood center (first time in a daycare setting besides his aunt’s house) seems to be enjoying himself when I pick him up each afternoon, but still cries and says he doesn’t want to go the next morning. Seriously, could I have any more guilt poured on me for going to work each day? But NOT working is just not an option. Although my husband makes good money for a teacher, it’s really difficult for a family of five to live off a teacher’s salary alone.
So I find myself questioning everything about myself and my life—why I can’t seem to get organized and be a better mom and “home maker”, what I should REALLY be doing with my life, how I can fit in exercising in all this chaos, and why I don’t make spending time with God’s word a priority, even though I want to.
I’m going to let you in on a little personal secret—I never cry. Well, HARDLY ever. I can count on one hand the number of times I cry in one year. (I used to cry ALL THE TIME, but now that I’m “medicated,” the tears just don’t come.) But this morning on my way to work, I was listening to a local Christian radio station when a song came on. Of course I cannot think of the name of it now, but the point is, I cried while I listened to it. No, I didn’t wail or anything. But there were tears. I have no idea why, really. I just felt like the song was really speaking to me, and it actually felt kind of good to let the tears out. But it did make it kind of tough to come into work and focus on editing a teacher resource about ancient civilizations…
I really don’t mean to feel sorry for myself. I know I have so much to be thankful for. But I’m just tired of feeling like I don’t have control over my life. It makes me feel like such a failure. I don’t like not having a strong sense of direction about where I’m going or what my purpose is on this earth.
I don’t like feeling funk-y.
So now you know why I haven’t written. And you’re probably wishing I would’ve kept it that way! Thanks for listening, anyway, if you made it down this far in this “woe-is-me” post. I’m sure the fog will lift eventually, but until then, it’s nice to know that you’re there.