Givin’ the Hoagie Some Love

Happy Hoagie Day! I hope you all had a day jam-packed with hoagierific fun! What? I’m the ONLY one who knew that today was National Hoagie Day? You’ve got to be kidding me! At our house, this ranks right up there with Christmas and National Hairball Awareness Day (April 29 if you’re wondering). I mean, if any sandwich deserves to be celebrated nationwide, it’s the hoagie! C’mon, people, can you stop being so selfish–worrying about the collapsing economy and the escalating death toll in Iraq–and just think of the hoagie for a day? Geesh!

Seriously, though, just who gets to decide “I think I’m going to create a national holiday today”?!? Obviously, anyone with an IQ of at least 30 and a buck in their pocket can. I mean, do we REALLY need a whole day to pay homage to the hoagie? Is it really THAT important? If declaring a national holiday is as easy as it appears to be, I’m announcing right here on this blog that beginning in 2009, I would like to add the following holidays to the calendar.

National Poop Your Pants Day–Actually, my family likes to celebrate this holiday at least every other day. Boy #3 is especially fond of it. And he is soooo generous, he makes sure I don’t miss out on any of the fun. I have a feeling we will continue with the festivities well into the summer–and possibly through middle school at this rate. One can only dream…

National Throw Your Banana Peels on the Floor Day–This seems to be a popular one also around these parts. This holiday can get out of hand quickly, though, and then it can get downright ugly. Case in point: Last week I was gently awakened by the sound of Husband rolling down the last half of the stairs. Culprit? You guessed it–a banana peel. How cliche is that? (I’m pretty sure I saw the exact same thing happen on Tom & Jerry once. Except it ended with Jerry skinning Tom alive and using him as an afghan. Aah, the days of non-violent cartoons!)

National Take Your Cans and Bottles to the Redemption Center Day–You guys JUST missed this holiday. We celebrated on Saturday when we made the first attempt at clearing the jungle of junk that has been growing in our garage by taking back, I swear, 8 1/2 months worth of cans and bottles. For this holiday, I like to give myself a name reminiscent of our Native American ancestors–She-Who-Has-No-Shame. Picture this: My Chrysler Town & Country filled floor to ceiling, front to back, with Coke cans (I already told you once, NO, not Diet!) and an assortment of imported and fancy-pants beer bottles because Husband is apparently too good for Schlitz. I am praying the entire way to the redemption center because I have a vague recollection that it closes at 3:00 on Saturdays, and it is 3:14, and I would rather just leave my van for dead somewhere than drag all of those cans and bottles back into my garage. I think I experienced “giddy” for the first time in my life when I pulled in and saw that it was open until 4! Next came what I like to call “Honyock Aerobics.” This is when you make the 56 trips from your van, up the steps, and into the redemption center to bring in your empties. I just felt so open and vulnerable–I wanted to tell those standing around waiting (because OF COURSE there was a crowd that day), “Yeah, that was one HELLUVA party!” I did tip the poor little Mexican man who had to count all of my cans and bottles. Although he didn’t speak much English, we still managed to communicate as he handed me my $38 (I’m not kidding) and said, “Mucho dinero!” I didn’t know whether to say, “Thank you” or “I’m sorry,” so I just handed him $3, put my tail between my legs, and left. But not before I saw one of my 6-year-old students from AWANA staring at me and the mound of Guinness and Sam Adams behind me. Do I have “role model” written all over my face or what?

National Ignore All Other Responsibilities and Just Blog Day–I seemed to have stumbled upon this holiday last week when I started writing this blog…and it appears this one may last a while, as evidenced from my lack of sleep, Husband just sighing in bed because the light from the monitor and the clicking of the keys is keeping him awake, and the amalgamation of clean and dirty clothes that are now serving as a sort of multicolored rug that takes up my entire bedroom.

Before I eat my midnight snack (a hoagie–what else?) and hit the proverbial hay, I have to give a quick shout out to Husband’s friend Michael. It seems that Michael is under the impression that I’m a real writer and said he wanted a post written about him. Like that’s some sort of prize or honor. So I would like to humor him for humoring me by adding a national holiday for Michael: National Jerry Garcia Tie Day. Seriously, you wouldn’t believe how many Jerry Garcia ties he has in his closet. I don’t think I even knew Jerry Garcia designed ties until I met Michael. And we won’t EVEN go into his Hallmark ornament collection…

And since it’s officially May 6 now, I’ll sign off with more holiday well-wishes. Let’s see…May 6…Ooh, ooh! Happy No Diet Day! I ROCK at this one! Have some Ho-Ho’s and Funyuns on me!

9 thoughts on “Givin’ the Hoagie Some Love”

  1. Love your list.
    And as long as you mentioned honyocks…I’d like to propose National Honyock Day. I know many former 4th graders would embrace this. They already know the Honyock Pledge..which was recited before we all trooped out into the hallway in an “organized” line. (Can’t tell you how many Mothers over the years have called to ask about the word honyock!..Evidently their mothers didn’t use that word . Go figure!)
    How about National Asian Beetle Day? But that would be cheating because I have the advantage as I’ve cornered the market on them.
    (have you seen my porch?)
    Thanks for a chuckle to start my day. You rock!…or as they used to say You’re Neato!! (some Corning slang for you)

  2. I am sad that I missed National Can Redemption Day this year, again! Looks like the van won’t be in the garage for ANOTHER year!

    Also, I think Momof2Dancers (or whatever your screen name is…DancesWithWolves?) would agree to a Canine Epilepsy Awareness Day, where instead of putting Easter Eggs out, you just put food that you are planning on eating on your counter or table, and your dog eats it when you aren’t looking because they are hopped up on some sort of medication cocktail. My dog and husband celebrated this last night. It must also be customary to call your dog a “sl*t” afterward. I have never heard him call anyone that, but I guess if you eat his dinner off of the counter, you qualify.

  3. Or what about National Toby Day? My dog has been celebrating that quite a bit lately. It’s amazing how far he can travel on the living room carpet without actually walking.

  4. I LOVE Canine Epilepsy Awareness Day. Can we make t-shirts? I’d only like to add “Dance Picture Awareness Day” to the list. You may think, “Why do we need to be aware of dance pictures? Is there any risk?” Well, apparently some girls can get bloody noses when their moms are applying their stage makeup. Fingers can get rammed up noses really easily. It’s very dangerous and it’s a huge problem around these parts. I’ve just heard. Next time you see a picture of a beautiful dancer in full stage dress and makeup, have some sympathy. Beauty comes at a price!
    Here’s hoping today isn’t a “Poop Your Pants Day” day. At least not until about 4:00 this afternoon…

  5. Oh…just to let you know, I had to vote for Hug a Possum day. (Or is it “Opossum”?) Those things are so darn cute. Did you know they have 2 vaginas and 2 uteruses? They can have 2 pregnancies going on at once. (With different fathers! They could be on a soap opera!) How clever are those possums? I would hug one and kiss it too if it were allowed for a day.
    I really wanted to vote for Back Fat is Sexy Day, but I decided I couldn’t ever think of my back fat as sexy no matter what anyone says. If one of the choices was, “National Slice Your Back Fat Off With a Cheese Slicer Day,” it would’ve had my vote. And my financial support.

  6. I didn’t know about opossums and 2 sets of privates. I threw up a little in my mouth when I read that. What if both litters decide to be born simultaneously? No fun being a lady opposum!

  7. Oh, I’m sorry. I was away from my computer most of today for National It’s About Time You Picked Up Your House Day. Thank goodness it’s only once a year! (It’s also commonly confused with National CLEAN Your House Day, but it turns out that’s a whole different holiday, which I’m glad I finally figured out! Remember that one year when they both fell on the SAME day?!? That was awful! Thank goodness that won’t happen again for another 57 years or so!)

    I love this voting thing! I voted for National No One Talk To Mommy Day. Is that sad? Why do I find myself secretly wishing that someone would start a movement to turn Mother’s Day into Mother’s-Day-At-The-Spa Day? For now, No One Talk To Mommy Day will do. Also, I KNEW I couldn’t vote for Back Fat Is Sexy Day because then all my other fat deposits would get jealous!

    momof2dancers–Thanks for the heads up about the risks involved with dance picture day! I’m making a note to myself to buy a nose guard for just that occasion! Also, I’m a little surprised your username isn’t ialmostwasavet. You know so much interesting animal trivia! I agree with turkeypants, though–two vaginas and two uteruses (uteri?) is more information than I can stomach! That’s why I’m suggesting National Thank God I’m Not A(n)(O)possum Day.

    Oh! One other note: I think that National Poop Your Pants Day is a day that kindergarten teachers across the globe secretly market to their students. Each of my boys has embraced this at least a few times in his kindergarten year. Somehow it always seems to fall on the same day as Ignore The Way Your Students Smell Day, and Mom I Have A Surprise For You Day. pjmom–It sounds as though you have a very precocious Boy#3! I hope his school has a gifted and talented pooping program–or at least a Poop Olympics.

    Lastly,momof3ps–would you mind sharing with me the Honyock Pledge? It sounds like something we could really use here in Mayberry.

    I hope you are all geared up for tomorrow: it’s National Pay Your Bills and Balance Your Checkbook Day! Will the fun never end?!?!

  8. nochickensinmyhair, we do not celebrate National Pay Your Bills and Balance Your Checkbook Day in our house. This has been especially hard on the kids when their classes have their “holiday parties.” As the other kids parade around their room in the costumes of Ledgers and Calculators and drinking the official drink of the holiday–tequila–my kids have to just sit at their desks with their heads down. But thanks for bringing it up…

  9. On the Cool Mom Picks newsletter, we always write up stupid holidays each month and man, there are some stupid ones. Yours however are smart. Who wouldn’t love Ignore All Responsibilities and Blog Day? I think we should lobby to replace Arbor Day with that one.

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