Happy Hoagie Day! I hope you all had a day jam-packed with hoagierific fun! What? I’m the ONLY one who knew that today was National Hoagie Day? You’ve got to be kidding me! At our house, this ranks right up there with Christmas and National Hairball Awareness Day (April 29 if you’re wondering). I mean, if any sandwich deserves to be celebrated nationwide, it’s the hoagie! C’mon, people, can you stop being so selfish–worrying about the collapsing economy and the escalating death toll in Iraq–and just think of the hoagie for a day? Geesh!
Seriously, though, just who gets to decide “I think I’m going to create a national holiday today”?!? Obviously, anyone with an IQ of at least 30 and a buck in their pocket can. I mean, do we REALLY need a whole day to pay homage to the hoagie? Is it really THAT important? If declaring a national holiday is as easy as it appears to be, I’m announcing right here on this blog that beginning in 2009, I would like to add the following holidays to the calendar.
National Poop Your Pants Day–Actually, my family likes to celebrate this holiday at least every other day. Boy #3 is especially fond of it. And he is soooo generous, he makes sure I don’t miss out on any of the fun. I have a feeling we will continue with the festivities well into the summer–and possibly through middle school at this rate. One can only dream…
National Throw Your Banana Peels on the Floor Day–This seems to be a popular one also around these parts. This holiday can get out of hand quickly, though, and then it can get downright ugly. Case in point: Last week I was gently awakened by the sound of Husband rolling down the last half of the stairs. Culprit? You guessed it–a banana peel. How cliche is that? (I’m pretty sure I saw the exact same thing happen on Tom & Jerry once. Except it ended with Jerry skinning Tom alive and using him as an afghan. Aah, the days of non-violent cartoons!)
National Take Your Cans and Bottles to the Redemption Center Day–You guys JUST missed this holiday. We celebrated on Saturday when we made the first attempt at clearing the jungle of junk that has been growing in our garage by taking back, I swear, 8 1/2 months worth of cans and bottles. For this holiday, I like to give myself a name reminiscent of our Native American ancestors–She-Who-Has-No-Shame. Picture this: My Chrysler Town & Country filled floor to ceiling, front to back, with Coke cans (I already told you once, NO, not Diet!) and an assortment of imported and fancy-pants beer bottles because Husband is apparently too good for Schlitz. I am praying the entire way to the redemption center because I have a vague recollection that it closes at 3:00 on Saturdays, and it is 3:14, and I would rather just leave my van for dead somewhere than drag all of those cans and bottles back into my garage. I think I experienced “giddy” for the first time in my life when I pulled in and saw that it was open until 4! Next came what I like to call “Honyock Aerobics.” This is when you make the 56 trips from your van, up the steps, and into the redemption center to bring in your empties. I just felt so open and vulnerable–I wanted to tell those standing around waiting (because OF COURSE there was a crowd that day), “Yeah, that was one HELLUVA party!” I did tip the poor little Mexican man who had to count all of my cans and bottles. Although he didn’t speak much English, we still managed to communicate as he handed me my $38 (I’m not kidding) and said, “Mucho dinero!” I didn’t know whether to say, “Thank you” or “I’m sorry,” so I just handed him $3, put my tail between my legs, and left. But not before I saw one of my 6-year-old students from AWANA staring at me and the mound of Guinness and Sam Adams behind me. Do I have “role model” written all over my face or what?
National Ignore All Other Responsibilities and Just Blog Day–I seemed to have stumbled upon this holiday last week when I started writing this blog…and it appears this one may last a while, as evidenced from my lack of sleep, Husband just sighing in bed because the light from the monitor and the clicking of the keys is keeping him awake, and the amalgamation of clean and dirty clothes that are now serving as a sort of multicolored rug that takes up my entire bedroom.
Before I eat my midnight snack (a hoagie–what else?) and hit the proverbial hay, I have to give a quick shout out to Husband’s friend Michael. It seems that Michael is under the impression that I’m a real writer and said he wanted a post written about him. Like that’s some sort of prize or honor. So I would like to humor him for humoring me by adding a national holiday for Michael: National Jerry Garcia Tie Day. Seriously, you wouldn’t believe how many Jerry Garcia ties he has in his closet. I don’t think I even knew Jerry Garcia designed ties until I met Michael. And we won’t EVEN go into his Hallmark ornament collection…
And since it’s officially May 6 now, I’ll sign off with more holiday well-wishes. Let’s see…May 6…Ooh, ooh! Happy No Diet Day! I ROCK at this one! Have some Ho-Ho’s and Funyuns on me!