I Hate April Fool’s Day
Posted On April 1, 2011
I would start this post out with a hearty, “April Fool’s Day!!!”… but as you can see by the title, I hate April 1.
Really, who thought up this day where people go around tricking other people, getting them all worked up, their heart pounding and sweat pouring out of every pore, and then saying, “Just kidding!”
I hate it.
My poor kids suffer the effects of my hatred. When they were littler, I used to pretend I was okay with it. I think I may have pretended we overslept one year . . . and I might have made supper for breakfast once . . . but now they are just poor neglected children whose mother refuses to participate. Just add it to the list of ways I’m damaging them.
I’m not really sure where this intolerance for April Fool’s Day comes from. I don’t recall any pranks-gone-horribly-wrong in my past. I think it just has to do with the fact that I’m a generally anxious person, and April Fool’s Day and Anxiety just do not get along.
I’m not trying to single out April Fool’s Day because I’m a horribly Scroogish person. I like to have fun — within limits. But here are some other things I hate that may help to better explain:
1. Clowns. They trick you by putting on that “silly” face, which if you ask me is never cute or funny. Why do they have to hide their face? I don’t like it. It’s trickery, and it freaks me out. I may have mentioned once or twice that I once saw an evil clown driving the backroads of Iowa with a very angry look on his face. He was alone, and I think he was running from the law. This did not do much for my clown phobia.
2. Jack-in-the-Boxes. Those stupid things never pop up in the same place twice. So you tense up, ready for it — and nothing. But just when you let your guard down—POP! I hate those things. And when it’s a clown popping up? Oh, don’t even go there.
3. Biscuit Tubes. You know the ones I’m talking about — those Pillsbury ones? You start peeling off the paper to reveal the cardboard, which is supposed to pop open at the seams. But most of the time it doesn’t pop open when it’s supposed to, so you wait… and finally you carefully stick a knife in between the seams and—POP! And you scream. (Or maybe that’s just me.) Now, with all the technology in the world, WHY can’t they make biscuit tubes that just open predictably, every time?
4. Magic. I have to preface this by saying that I like the magic that Boy #2 does because, well, he’s my kid, and that would be really mean if I hated it. But I could do without other kinds of magic. Again, I don’t like not knowing what’s going to happen, and I don’t care for trickery. Just flippin’ tell me how you did it and no one gets hurt, okay?
5. Balloons. Now, I don’t have a problem with mylar balloons. They come in fun shapes and styles, and they don’t just pop for no reason like the other kind. Regular balloons? I’m not a fan. Again, the unpredictable popping about does me in. Not to mention that high-pitched squeal my kids like to make where they pull the end of the balloon tight and slowly let the air out…
So now that I’ve pretty much proven that I’m a fun-hater (and have justified my need for psychological intervention), at least you’ll know better than to try to pull an April Fool’s prank on me (Especially if it involves a clown doing magic tricks while holding balloons and making biscuits).
Ha — April Fool’s!
(Or is it???)