If a boy brings you a cup of something and asks you to drink it—don’t.
It doesn’t matter how sweetly he looks at you or what tender words he uses to try to convince you: “But I made it just for you, Mommy!” Don’t buy it. You’ll soon regret it. (Most likely after rinsing your mouth out with the strongest mouthwash you can find.)
Let me give you an example.
We spent a lazy Saturday doing laundry and just hanging around the house. The boys (well, the two youngest) spent most of the day in their underwear playing Pokemon and fashioning kitchen tongs into claws.
Sometime midafternoon, I heard them in the bathroom running water and giggling. Then they came into the living room, carrying a cup and ready to proudly announce their latest invention: toothpaste water that you can swish around in your mouth so you don’t have to brush your teeth. They then described the complicated and very scientific method they used to create this new household staple (Squirt some toothpaste in a cup. Fill the cup up with water. Mix it up.) and demonstrated for me. I applauded their ingenuity and they disappeared back into the bathroom.
A few minutes later they came out with yet another invention: soapy water. They explained that the soap is already in the water so you don’t have to take the time to squirt soap on your hands and then rinse it off. All you have to do is pour the soapy water on your hands. I wasn’t sure how the soap actually got rinsed off using their invention, but I kept my reservations to myself and again applauded their creativity.
The third time they came into the living room, this is what I heard:
“Mom, I made you some lemonade! Have a drink!”
Now, you may be thinking, “Oh, that’s sweet. They took the time to mix up some Country Time Lemonade for their mom. What good boys.”
Remember, however, that they had not come from the kitchen but from the bathroom.
I looked at the four inches of yellow liquid in the bottom of the cup and then at the smirk on my 7-year-old’s face. And I looked at Husband, eyes wide in horror, as I shrieked, “Is that PEE?!”
Boy #2 looked at me with guilt written all over his face and said, “No.”
Boy #3 piped up with, “Teddy did it!” This may have been believable if 1) I thought there was any way the dog would pee on command into a cup (he doesn’t do anything on command), and 2) the dog hadn’t been outside the entire afternoon.
It was one of those moments where you’re frozen, not sure what to say or what to do. All that came out was “Aaahhh!” as Husband and I stared at each other and tried not to laugh while figuring out what the heck to do next.
This is my life, people. This is my life.