KREATIV Licensing Gone Wrong…So, So Wrong…

Husband needed a haircut. BAD. He usually goes to a place in the mall, but of course, I had to open my mouth and suggest he go to someplace cheap in town this weekend. How hard can it be to cut a guy’s hair? I thought. Yeah. I was looking forward to seeing him walk in the door because I was really getting tired of the fuzz growing down his neck in the back–plus he usually looks super-cute with a fresh, short cut! USUALLY, being the operative word. No offense to Husband because I love him very much and think he is perpetually sexy, but DAMN, he got screwed. I’m pretty sure the haircut involved placing a bowl on top of his head. Picture this guy, but minus the mullet in the back.
(To the poor guy whose picture I just stole off Google images to exploit for my own (and your) entertainment, I apologize! My only hope is that this was you back in ’88 and that you are now a super hot underwear model and are able to look back on this photo and laugh.)

I asked Husband why he didn’t ask his stylist to take off more in the front. He said, “I did. You should’ve seen it before.” *shudder* Husband said he thinks he got a Cost Cutters trainee, although she must’ve been in her second or third career because she was at least 65. He also said he knew it wasn’t going to be pretty when she kept dropping the scissors and dug the comb so hard into his scalp that it left marks. “Well,” I said, looking for the silver lining in this badly coifed cloud, “at least it didn’t cost too much.” Then Husband revealed that he’d had to pay $16 for his new Amish boy look! What? When did Crap Cutters suddenly get so high-falootin’? Who do they think they are–Fantastic Sam’s?

All this got me to thinking about a topic that’s been kind of a hobby of mine–collecting bad hair salon names. Why the interest? Who knows. I’m sure it started with a bottle of wine and a copy of the Yellow Pages, but at some point I began to notice just how bad the names of the majority of “beauty parlors” (for my readers over the age of 60) are. I’m talking horrible, horrible puns. Puns that should be illegal, or at least should carry a heavy fine. And then there are the misspellings. I’m assuming they’re on purpose, the salon owners taking pride in their creative licensing with the English language, but it’s hard to tell. I’ve compiled a short list of my favorites, categorized for your reading convenience. This list is by no means exhaustive. I anticipate that it will take me the duration of my life to explore all of the gems that exist across the nation. But enjoy this taste of What-Not-to-Name-Your-Salon 101…

Category 1: Puns using the word “cut,” “hair,” “shear,” or “head”
A Cut A-Head
A Hair Bit Better
A Shear Inspiration
Hair A Fair
Hair A-Peal
Hair Daze (Where you get a contact high while getting a trim…)
Hair it IZ (Wow–A clever take on the words “hair” and “here” AND a creative spelling of “is” AND all caps…I don’t know how they do it…)
Hair Port (I get it! It’s like the “airport” only a “hair port”…but no one’s flying or anything…)

Category 2: Spelling “cut” with a “k” or “cuts” with a “z” (Why?? Why??)
Cilla’s Sassy Kuts (I personally like my cut a little sassy!)
Craig’s Kurl-N-Post
Creative CUTZ (I especially like the ALL CAPS)
Crystal Kut-Away
Hair Kraze (Because “Hair Craze” would just be krazy!)
Kasual Kut Barber & Style
Kathy’s Kut & Kurl (Klever!)
KLIP Joint (Sounds like either something you smoke or part of an assault rifle)

Category 3: Never name your salon while drinking
Alley Cut
Angi’s Scissor Shack
2 Pretty Beauty Salon
4 Brothaz & A Sista Barba Salon (No, I did not make this up.)
A Great Cut (Say “Welcome to A Great Cut” in a monotone)
Aqua-Net Beauty Salon (Hmm…naming your salon after our favorite ’80s hair cement…I’m pretty sure I’d come out of there with my teased bangs reaching for the ceiling.)
Carla’s Chop Shop (Free side of pork with every cut.)
Connie’s Beauty Box (Seriously, doesn’t it seem like every hairstylist is named Connie?)
Cow World Hair Salon (Need I say more?)
Hair Arrangement by Norman (What exactly is “hair arrangement”?)
Hair Clinic (Is this the trauma clinic for bad haircuts?)
Hair Corral (Seriously, why the rampant use of “corral” when referring to salons???)
Hair Hut (Ditto for “hut”)
Hair Shack (Ditto for “shack”. You can’t have much pride in your place of business when you refer to it as a “shack,” can you???)
Hair Explosion (Wow. That’s gotta hurt.)
Hair Pen (As in a pigpen or a writing instrument?? So many layers!)

Category 4: Names that are trying waaaay too hard
Alpha & Omega of the Haircut (I’m not sure I think a haircut is worthy of being compared to our Divine Creator…)
Anointed Hands Beauty and Barber (Unless Jesus is giving haircuts, I’d rethink the name)
Annointed Hair (Okay–now I need to add a category: Names dripping in blasphemy!)
Cortex Layer (Sounds like something you’d learn about in anatomy class. “The cortex layer surrounds the brain…” Seriously, maybe it IS really a part of the body…I’ll have to google that.)

I guess part of my fascination stems from my curiosity of…why salons? Why don’t other establishments practice this name-slaughtering ritual? Why not banks? Who wouldn’t want to trust their life savings to The Money Hut or DOLLARZ R Us?

Until next time, dear readerz, stay KOOL…

17 thoughts on “KREATIV Licensing Gone Wrong…So, So Wrong…”

  1. Thanks for the laugh! (Again!). You are right on about the creative licensing taken by hair salons!! I do have a favorite from my former hometown that always made me smile when I drove past. I thought it extrememly clever, but at the same time a little unsettling, because I was never sure I’d ever make it out alive if I made an appointment at CURL UP AND DYE.

  2. The Mane Event
    Snip It’s
    Jamaican Me Tan (Tanning parlors, is that what they’re called, have great names too.)
    Eclips Salon
    Best Little Hair House in Texas
    Tiramasu (Seriously, you’re naming your business after a dessert in a lame attampt to sound exotic?)
    Shear Innovations
    Clippity Do Da Cuts For Kids
    Shear Bliss
    Xceptional Kuts (Imagine if you will the backawards K to give it that final touch of class.)
    Hairllucinations
    Hair Werks & Co
    Ruta Baga (Again, with the food? Oh, but they made it two words. Forget it that’s much better.)
    H M J’s House Of Fades (??? Is this where Kid get’s his hair cut?)

  3. I really feel for the guy in the photo. I think I had that haircut myself for awhile, but to my defense it was before I really had a say in anything (thanks A LOT momof3ps, your name should have been momofthemullets!)

    My favorite hair cut was my senior year in high school when I was super cool and got my first mall hair cut. The gal washed my long hair, towel dried it, but then didn’t comb it out afterward, just started cutting, no parting or anything, just cutting. Then, because I had just asked for an inch or two off, she kept telling me that she knew a lot about inches and measurement because her boyfriend is a carpenter. Really. Then, once the cut was “complete” she combed it out, and realized that it was 1000 different lengths all over (too bad her boyfriend wasn’t a hairdresser, she might have known more about it!). Then she said that she probably should have combed it before she cut it. And since I was merely 18 and didn’t yet know the ways of the world, I am pretty sure I gave her $25 for that, including a tip.

  4. Beloved commenters, such gems you’ve shared! I will definitely add them to my growing list. When I read them, I felt happy shivers going up my spine! I feel a book coming on!

    By the way, do I know you, art vandelay (of vandelay industries)?

  5. Is this Art V. the one that is the architect, marine biologist, lawyer, or judge?

  6. Well, I just got back into my office after getting a hair cut and thought I would check my favorite real-person, gender-inclusive blog. How freaky that today’s topic would be haircuts. For the record the name of the establishment that I went to was the “Varsity Barbershop”. It is a no frills place where they slap some shaving lotion on your neck after the cut that reminds me of my grandpa. I use to go to a chain place and would leave with a different cut every time. I tried to schedule with the same “stylist” every time, but “We don’t do that but you can wait ,” got old. Anyways, I am happy with my barber now.

    Also, thanks for your comments about the anniversary ring. I would only buy the ring if I could pay for it all up front. That Suze Orman is brilliant. So, no problems about working overtime. However, I did return home last night to a refrigerator that wasn’t keeping things cold. BUT, the repair guy said it was under warranty, so I can stimulate the economy by buying jewelry instead of a new refrigerator.

    Finally, momof2daners, your picture weirds me out.

  7. FYI–Last Monday I read my first blog. On Tuesday, I commented on my first blog. By Wednesday, I was checking the blogsite twice a day. By Thursday, I’d found a new passion. Now I’m a computer-obsessed-blog-reading-cyber-whore.

    Just thought you’d like to know.

  8. -Nochickens, if you are a blog-reading-cyber-whore, does that make momof3boys your pimp?
    -Art Vandelay, I’ve forgotten how much I love that hat. However, since you didn’t even know that your kids WEREN’T at my house today, I have to say, “And you want to be my latex salesman?”
    -Dr. Sprinkler, why does my picture weird you out? You haven’t seen me for quite a few years since you left the blue collar (and gray lab coat) world to re-enter academia and shape the minds of the future. For your information, this is what I look like now. I’m offended.

  9. I have never been so proud to be called a pimp (and you wouldn’t BELIEVE how many times I’ve been called a pimp…)!

  10. I just discovered your blog today, via An Iowa Mom. I too am an Iowa Mom, of 2 boys and 1 girl.

    I had to laugh at your creation of Alley Cuts. We actually have one of those here in our little town. It’s spelled Ally Cuts, run by a lady name Alison, and opens into an alley off our town square. ROFL Good job on that one.

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