Mattel, I think it’s time to put Barbie out to pasture…

I admit that being the mom of 3 boys has left me a bit out of the loop when it comes to Barbies. I mean, I know Barbie is still around (and still dating Ken), and I know that the Barbie aisle at Target is chock-full of different variations of the doll, but seriously—will it ever end? Is Mattel grasping at straws here with some of the Barbies they’re dreaming up in the boardroom?

I was browsing at KB Toys online today because they’re having a big sale and I’m trying to get some Christmas shopping done early this year. I found myself, however, pondering the appeal of the following Barbies, which I had no idea existed until today:

First, meet South Beach Barbie, part of the “Best Models” Collection.

After a tough photo shoot (in her swimsuit with the revealing O-ring, the same O-ring that caused the Challenger Space Shuttle disaster, and her ankle-strap heels), Barbie likes to unwind by downing several martinis and hooking up with someone who’s NOT Ken at one of Miami’s hottest night clubs. Just what every mom wants her 7-year-old to aspire to…

Also part of the Best Models Collection is Monte Carlo Barbie.

Like South Beach Barbie, Monte Carlo Barbie features “the dramatic ModelMuse body sculpt.” What does this mean? Well, evidently the ModelMuse Barbies were designed to make young girls feel even MORE self-conscious about their bodies by making Barbie’s body even MORE perfect—and unattainable. I’m pretty sure that Barbie’s longer and even MORE slender legs make up 3/4 of her body now! And like South Beach Barbie, Monte Carlo Barbie likes to unwind after a tough day at “the office.” However, Monte Carlo Barbie, instead of resorting to noisy dance clubs, sips her wine in the bar of her 4-star hotel while she fishes for a rich businessman to help keep her clothed in designer originals and diamonds. A girl’s gotta have something to strive for!

Speaking of fashion, I obviously don’t have my finger on the pulse of it because I hadn’t even heard of this designer who is now also a Barbie. Meet Anna Sui Boho Barbie.

Apparently, Anna Sui’s designs have not yet made it to the runways of the Goodwill Stores. However, if you have a daughter with a hankering for high fashion, you can let her play fashion diva for the bargain price of $99 (a $40 savings!).

And to keep with the theme of high fashion, I’d like to introduce…
NASCAR Jeff Gordon Barbie!

She’s a beer-guzzlin’, tube top-wearin’, car-watchin’, hot dog-eatin’, tire-squealin’, eardrum-throbbin’ girl! For the future racecar groupies of the speedway circuit.

And now, to bring some international culture to the girls of America, I bring you—yes, that’s right; I’m not making this up—Oktoberfest Barbie!

She comes complete with a stein of her favorite lager. But watch out—if Barbie drinks too much German beer, she’s liable to lose her lederhosen!

But if your girl isn’t really into the Bavarian party scene, you may want to choose the flamboyant Carnival Barbie.

Decked out in sequins and feathers, Barbie is ready to dance in the streets of Rio all night long. Just what you dream for your little girl. At the Copa…Copacabana…

And lastly, if you’re resisting buying your daughter Barbies because you’re not sure Barbie is the best role model, you’re in luck! I’ve got JUST the doll for you—and she’s NOT a Barbie.

Meet the My Scene doll—Lindsay Lohan.

Here’s an excerpt from the description of the doll:
Making a movie is exciting, but so is meeting their idol, teen queen Lindsay Lohan!”
Oh, yeah. I can see it now…
“Hey, Susie, let’s play Lindsay Lohan! What should we do first—play ‘DUI arrest’ or ‘check in to rehab’?”

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: I wouldn’t trade the boogers and burps of boys for all the Barbies in the world. (Especially these Barbies!)


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