My Clock Is Ticking. Could I Just Smash It with a Hammer?

How do you like to start your week? A morning jog? A latte from Git ‘n Go Starbucks? Maybe a little boom-chicka-wah-wah? (No, Mom, I didn’t mean that. Of course not.)

Me? I like to start it off with a nice pap smear.

Yup, this morning I visited my favorite OB-GYN for my triannual annual exam. And a fun time was had by all.

Is there nothing as uncomfortable, ladies? I mean, really. It’s one thing when you’re pregnant. You can focus on the baby. But when you’re not pregnant—and not trying to get pregnant—all the focus is on your womanly parts, which are just there…in all their glory.

Now I should say that if there’s anyone I shouldn’t get embarrassed in front of, it’s Mr. H, my gyno. This 58-year-old has seen me since college. He’s seen me through five pregnancies and three babies. And he has mastered the art of the chit-chat like no other.

But there’s just something about discussing the upcoming Lincoln Half-Marathon and noticing that your boob is totally poking out the opening in the front of the oh-so-lovely gown that makes you feel a little, well, weird. (And by the way, I love how they call it a hospital “gown,” kind of like, “Oh, did you see Emily’s wedding gown? It’s gorgeous!” or “Which designer gown will Angelina Jolie wear to the Oscars this year?”)

And then there’s the whole stirrup/knees in the air/cold metal spreader thingee part of the visit. No more needs to be said about that. Discussing my favorite form of contraception? That’s a treat as well. But this year, a couple of points of discussion were added to my repertoire:

  • I have “put on a few pounds” since last visit. Yeeeah. Fully aware of that fact, thank you.
  • Mammogram? Since I have no history of breast cancer in the family, I can wait until I’m 40, which is only THREE years away.
  • Babies? Are we thinking about a girl? Are we done? Is it time for Husband to get the snip-snip? Okay, I’m 99% sure we’re done, but for some reason, the finality of discussing this with my doctor really got to me. I asked if he thought I was getting too old to have another baby, and he gave me two things to think about.
    1. At age 35 there is a 1/2 of 1% chance of having a baby with Down’s syndrome. At age 40, the rate jumps to 2%. Granted, the majority of women age 40 do not have a baby with Down’s, but still, it is a significant increase. And then, I was told, I’d have to decide what to do about the pregnancy. OK, I know what I’d do because I don’t support abortion, so then it would just be figuring out how to deal with the special needs. Something to think about…
    2. What do I want to be doing when I’m 58? Do I want to be attending my child’s high school graduation, or do I want to be thinking about retirement and grandkids? Okay, what if I say I just don’t even want to think about being 58? I’m having a hard enough time swallowing 37!

      I know in my head that another baby is not a responsible choice for our family. I mean, I’d have to go off my “crazy pills”“happy pills”, which would not be good for ANYONE right now. I’d have to deal with even more fatigue and general feelings of crapola due to my pain-in-the-ass thyroid that insists on becoming more needy each year. I’d have a child in high school at the same time I’d have a child just starting kindergarten. And please, can I even manage the household we currently have? NO! Hey, let’s just add MORE laundry to the already toppling-over piles—GREAT idea!

      But even though my head knows it would be stupid, silly—even selfish—for me to have another baby, my heart whispers, “Awww, but a wittle baby with wittle tiny hands and wittle tiny feet that you can nibble on…And remember how a baby smells? And remember how a baby grasps your finger and makes you feel like you’re the only two people in the universe? And remember the bond you feel while nursing? Remember? REMEMBER?!

      Yes, I remember. How could I ever forget? I wish I would’ve cherished all those moments even more than I did. Quit worrying about the dirty dishes or how much money we have in our checking account at that moment… Just snuggled and nuzzled and somehow captured that baby fragrance in a bottle to open in 20 years…

I guess my question is—will I EVER feel like I’m done? Will I ever feel that sense of closure? Even if Husband goes under the knife or when I hit “the big change”? Is it normal to feel happy with the children I was blessed with, but sad to know that there will be no new life growing inside this belly? Or am I, as I suspect, just a teensy bit crazy? Really—you can tell me.

This was not a good way to start off my week.

11 thoughts on “My Clock Is Ticking. Could I Just Smash It with a Hammer?”

  1. Love the name of your blog. That’s what brought me here. I’m sick that way :).

    I had my first child just before my 35th birthday; I had my second and last child, at 39. I’ll be honest, even now, in my early 40s, I do get the occasional twinge. We haven’t done anything final yet, because my OC’s tend to keep my acne in check (not that we have energy for sex anyway!)

    When my daughter was 8 months old, I guess I was looking wistfully at my husband and he almost yelled “No way, we’re too old and we’re too exhausted, ALL THE TIME!!”. He was right.

    I guess it was easy for us because our journey to becoming parents was not the easiest, so two was miraculous. But I very much hear you, the clock is more like a gong once you’re in your late 30s.

    But that’s what younger siblings are for. I’ve got two 18 month old nieces, and potentially a few more on the way, so the baby fixes will come that way for me from now on 🙂

  2. I scheduled having my tubes “tied” and then chickened out…couldn’t go thru with it…but then I did have it done and I cried all the way home. But it was for the best…I knew it in my head, but my heart was sad. So I enjoyed the 3 that we had even more…. And then God has blessed us with 8 beautiful grandchildren. Life is good!

  3. I struggle with this all the time. I’m pregnant with #3 now, and I REALLY think I’m done. But I can’t bring myself to do anything final about it. But the risks that we’re faced with as we age really freak me out. Plus, I think about how old I’ll be when these kids start moving on…and I wonder if I really want to be strapped down that much longer. It’s a TOUGH decision. And I have a wacky thyroid too, so I feel ya on that one sister.

  4. I knew that I would never get any saner if I had more kids and that once AD was a few years older I would so want another baby.

    I think moms just love babies.

    So we had that surgically taken care of. I was right too. Lately I have been missing having a baby but luckily I have three sisters-in-law who are having babies this year. That takes care of my baby issues.

    If you want one word to knock you out of the baby wanting stage (okay, it is two words): POTTY TRAINING.

  5. When I had three, everyone told me that the big jump was between two and three. Three to four was nothing.

    WRONG.

    The difference between three and four is the difference between sanity and circus.

    But everytime a woman walked past me with a baby, I was pregnant again.

    Hubby needs a snip.

  6. Visits to the gyno always remind me of the episode of “Friends” where Rachel is lying on the table with her feet in the stirrups.

    The doctor asks her if she’s comfortable and she says, “If I said yes, would you judge me?”

    LOL!

  7. I understand. We are planning to have one more, but not quite yet. I get my baby fixes thanks to my friends, but it isn’t the same. Mom’s love babies…just a force of nature.

  8. I am in the same boat. I said we were done after #3, but then I was putting #1’s clothes in the “giveaway” pile, and I cried, and dumped them all back in the closet. Husband got a brochure on the “big snip,” but I still am not 100%, and I am not sure he is, either. I keep telling myself I want to drive a minivan, not a conversion van, but stil don’t know if my heart or my head will win out. Right now I am in the baby trenches, so it is hard to think clearly!

  9. Well I am done with 2. My husband just had the snip-snip. Turkey Pants – don’t let your’s talk to mine about it!!

    I still think that maybe we could have handled #3 but then a good friend was over with her little one and he cried for 1 hour solid. Then I remembered sometimes it is better to be able to send them to their own home.

  10. My son is 10 weeks old today. I had a terrible delivery and we are blessed that he and I are both okay. I also have a little boy who will be 4 this month. This second pregnancy kicked my ass. It’s a risky business for me the art of bringing babies into my world. But I knew, right after having my baby, despite it was the most horrific experience of my life, that I wanted to do it again. I am SO tired. I still have an extra 20lbs hanging on. Logically I know I shouldn’t (want to have another) and this (my two boys) should be enough. But when your heart tugs, how can you say your done? Just thought I’d share my thoughts. Whatever you choose to do, good luck. 🙂

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