My Minivan—The Honyock Tour

Posted On August 19, 2008

The time has come, friends, for me to let it all hang out. I mean, we’ve known each other for—what—a few months? You’ve vicariously experienced my good days and my bad days. And I promised you I was going to keep it real, didn’t I?

Now I know you probably have this image of me driving along in my Lexus SUV. I’m perfectly tanned with a fresh manicure and smelling of Chanel no. 5 and Starbucks. The vehicle is, of course, spotless inside and out, as are my children, who are all dressed in their pressed polo shirts and khaki shorts and are engaging in an amiable conversation with their hands folded in their laps.

Uh, huh. Yeah…

The truth is, my mom-mobile is a minivan. And not just ANY minivan, mind you. A honyock minivan. Allow me to elaborate.

From the outside, one can’t really appreciate the “white trash-ity” of the vehicle. Well, unless you count that dent in the back bumper where Husband plowed into a snow drift when backing out of the driveway (Please note: Three feet of snow packed tightly enough to form a wall is no longer “light and fluffy” but instead is pretty much the same consistency as concrete. Who knew? Husband has only lived in Iowa ALL HIS LIFE…) or the tail light cover that is broken because someone ACCIDENTALLY backed into a ginormous garbage can (I blame the garbage company) or the dozen or so little scrapes that are beginning to rust on the back lift gate (You would think that when we opened the lift gate in the garage, we would’ve noticed it hitting the handle on the garage door, wouldn’t you? Especially after the tenth time?)

But the inside, well, that’s where our honyock-ousness really begins to shine. Shall we begin the tour?

Here’s a shot of the “middle” of the van, where the kids have to climb in and out. They especially love it when they’re climbing out in the front of the school and out tumbles a Chicken McNugget box or a Transformers toy or a dirty sock. However, they are not humiliated quite enough to actually CLEAN UP THEIR STUFF, just enough to say, “Mom, you really need to do something about the van. It’s a pit!”

And what is that white thing on the leather seat, you ask? Oh, yes, of course.

It’s a half-eaten Pop Tart! What—don’t YOU have one of these in your vehicle, you know, just in case you drive off the road while driving in the middle of a secluded forest and must survive with just your instincts and the contents of your car? We are SO ready for this emergency!

And over here, folks, we have—lying on top of a sack of plastic animals left over from camping two months ago, a crumpled T-shirt, and two empty Powerade bottles—none other than THE HOLY BIBLE. Yes, God’s Precious Word is being cradled by trash and dirty laundry. We would be SO screwed if it weren’t for God’s grace! (I’d like to give a shout out to Jesus here!)

But alas, I can’t blame this ALL on my kids. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t any of my three boys NOR my husband who has left this package of tampons in the van for a month… (To make it even better, they are sitting RIGHT BY the door so they can be visible to all every time it’s opened. Stay classy, Ankeny!)

And now we will take a look at the view from the front seats. Hmmm…let’s see. More McDonald’s wrappers. Melted lipstick and the plastic piece from a Ring Pop in the console. A shower caddy between the seats…Why? Oh, it’s just left over from camping. In June.

Because my award-winning photography skills could not adequately capture the essence of my Honyock Tour, I will list for you some items that did not make it into the tour but are still an invaluable part of the collection:

• A Ladderball game, left over from camping—you guessed it!—in June.
• A baseball helmet. (I make my kids wear these in case we get into an accident. Safety first!)
• A moldy apple core. (We’re harvesting penicillin.)
• A bag of melted candy from the 4th of July parade.
• Numerous DVDs without cases and cases without DVDs.
• A broken cell phone car charger.
• A Crayola tablet of paper, warped and crunchy from getting wet and then drying.
• A myriad of markers without lids and broken pencils.
• Piles of spit-out sunflower seed shells, sprinkled throughout the van.
• A steak knife.
• A Wal-mart receipt for night crawlers.

Thus concludes my Honyock Tour. I hope you have enjoyed the tour (or at least feel better about your OWN vehicle now!).

We are taking a break on the tour as I actually CLEANED OUT the van after taking these pictures. Yes, even I have a breaking point when it comes to cleanliness (or the lack thereof). But do not fret, my friends. I assure you—it won’t take long, and the tour will be back up and running.

After all, once a honyock, always a honyock!