My Santa Claus Wears Rubber Gloves and Carries a Mop
ALERT! ALERT! The toilets are clean! I repeat—the toilets are clean!
Well, I did it, folks.
I sucked it up, gathered every ounce of pride I had left, and left it out on the curb with the trash.
That’s right—I hired someone to Clean. My. House.
You know; you’ve seen pictures. You’ve read the
It was bad. I couldn’t take it. And I quick-hurried-and-booked-someone-before-I-changed-my-mind.
She was scheduled to come yesterday at noon. I started picking up on Wednesday after work. I worked until midnight and still couldn’t really see the floor. I gave up for the night, went to bed, and took the morning off work to finish picking up.
Did you catch that? I had to TAKE TIME OFF WORK to PICK UP MY HOUSE so a CLEANING LADY COULD CLEAN IT. How pathetic is that?
I started out trying to be very precise and organized about where I put things away. Then as I was sweating my ass off at 10 a.m., freaking out because dirty laundry seemed to be multiplying like rabbits in heat, I resorted to THROWING EVERYTHING IN THE BASEMENT.
I finally left my house in a shambles with an apologetic note for the cleaning gal, pit stains from running laundry baskets up and down the stairs two dozen times, and a voice in my head that seemed to say, “So, it’s come to this.”
But as I did my breathing exercises on the drive to work to ward off the impending anxiety attack, it dawned on me: “But when I come home tonight, it will be CLEAN. Even if she thinks we are the scummiest honyocks in the Metro, my floors will be washed and vacuumed. My tubs will be white once again, and my bathroom sinks will be hairless.”
What a load it was off my shoulders as I sat at work, thinking of my house getting whipped into shape by someone other than ME.
My boys got home first, and I anxiously anticipated their reaction. Finally, I got the call.
“Hello?” I said.
No “Hi, Mom.” or “How was your day?” Nope, instead I heard this:
“What is Dawn—some kind of WIZARD or something?!”
This made me laugh, of course. So I asked Boy #1 if the house looked good.
“Yeah, it’s AWESOME!” he said. “It’s like we live in a NORMAL house!”
Man, how sad is that?
And when I finally walked in last night, the last in the family to arrive home, I just walked around (after taking off my boots and the door and hanging up my coat in the closet, of course) and took it all in. And then of course I had to take some pictures. You know, to prove that my house was EVER this clean all at once. (Yes, I even took a picture of the toilet. The boys thought I had completely lost it. And I’m pretty sure they’re right.) But due to dead camera batteries, I will have to post the evidence for you this weekend. I promise I’m not making it up.
So now Christmas can officially arrive. The house looks festive and peaceful, and we all seemed to act more festive and peaceful last night as well.
But if anyone messes it up, it’s STRAIGHT to the Naughty List!
At least I’ve got Santa in my back pocket for another two weeks…
After that I’ll just have to revert back to the usual empty threats and screaming. With a little flogging thrown in for good measure.
You lucky b*st*rd!! Please enjoy it even more for all of the rest of us still in dirty house hell!! Can wizard Dawn cast a avada kedavra on my mess?
Lucky you! I wish I could get someone to come in here to help out. Yes, even my little trailer. It would be nice to do a deep cleaning, every now & then!
Yeah!!!! There is nothing more exciting than a clean house. Maybe I should ask for that for Christmas. That would be awesome.
I am glad you get to have a relaxing Christmas.
Men think women want diamonds and furs, but in reality we just want a clean house!
In fact, if they made a men’s cologne that smelled like Gain laundry detergent, bleach and lemon-scented Pledge there just might be another baby boom! He he!
I’ve always wanted to do this! It’s so stupid, I only have 2 little ones and I’m home all day and it’s still a pit! I have no domestic skills!
I want a house cleaner for Christmas. Or a nanny. It’s a toss up.
You lucky woman! I wish we could squeeze that in, just not right now. I have heard many people that clean before the cleaning person comes, perfectly normal!
OK, i will ask a obvious question that no one else would ask. What is wrong with you and your family?? Are you kidding me, if these stories are in fact true, how can you stand to live in such filth? You have 5 able bodies in that house, yet you cant keep it clean. I know with kids things can get messy, but even a 1 year old should be able to help pick up. I know keeping a entire house clean can be a lot of work, but if everyone (you, hubby and all the kids) does their part it isnt real hard. Wow, what a waste of money.
Wow, martha, thanks for the warm wishes. My suggestion is, if you don’t like what i write–don’t read it! Really, it won’t hurt me at all. And yes, I do know that my family has some issues with getting organized, and if you must know, i do have some health problems that make me feel like crap much of the time…and I work…and i have about 3 other freelance projects going on…and my husband has two jobs…and I tend to exaggerate a bit for humor’s sake…but if you feel you must insult me, then at least have the decency to make your profile public so I can see who you are…or better yet, just stay out of my blog.
Can i just say..who the h -e double hockey sticks does Martha think she is? Do you usually spew such hateful things all over the world? I will have to add “Martha” to my prayers tonight for the good Lord to grant her some peace in her life. Who has time to spread hateful words to someone that you don’t even know? No one requires you to read this blog. If you don’t like it…go somewhere else lady!! We don’t like your kind here!