Psst. Read This During Algebra Class!

Dear Internets,

Will you be my friend?

Check Yes or No.

Okay, before you answer, you may want to keep reading. I’ve got some stipulations and disclaimers that may influence your decision.

  • You should not be able to eat off your floor on a regular basis.
    Being able to occasionally drop a cookie on the floor (note that I said cookie and not carrot) and pick it up and pop it into your mouth without worry of ingesting a dog hair or piece of dried mud OR contracting a deadly foodborne illness is okay, but being able to do this on a daily basis is just not consistent with my lifestyle.
  • The phrase “My kids NEVER do that!” must not have ever escaped your lips. Unless you’re using a sarcastic tone.
  • You can exercise, but you mustn’t LOVE it. If you want to be able to tell your friend, “I can’t WAIT to run 10 miles after work!” and have her relate–or at the very least not kick you in the shins–then I may not be what you’re looking for.
  • You can be pretty, but you shouldn’t really know it or at least ACT like you know it. And you really shouldn’t work at it either. Occasionally primping or pampering is okay, but spending too much time at the spa getting your nails done, toes pedicured, bikini area waxed, lips plumped, face exfoliated, tummy tucked, boobs enhanced, wrinkles straightened, or thighs tanned just leaves less time for you to attend to MY needs. And that’s what’s really important here.
  • You must possess a sense of humor and like to laugh. A lot. Especially at subtle or stupid humor. Seinfeld? Napoleon Dynamite? Hot Rod? Brilliant. Will Ferrell? Pee-your-pants hilarious. Bubb Rubb and Lil’ Sis? Classic.
  • I’d like to be able to fart in front of you. Or at least announce that I need to. If that would nauseate you, you may want to consider checking No.
  • You need to tell me if I have food in my teeth or a booger in my nose. Put me in my place if I need it. Tell me I’m being stupid, or whiny, or catty. That’s what friends do.
  • You should probably enjoy hanging out doing not much of anything. Just chatting about everything from the raunchy smell of cooked cauliflower to what you think Heaven is like. While sipping a margarita, of course.
  • You mustn’t be a prude. These hands have touched poop–both human and that of a variety of animal species. They’ve pulled worms in half. They’ve scrubbed mold and vomit and probably even moldy vomit. I’ve witnessed pigs mating and pigs being castrated (no, not at the same time). “Princess” is not a term that has ever been used to describe me.
  • If you consider yourself just a smidgen crazy, that’s a plus. You shouldn’t hold it against me that I have to take my “happy pills” or visit my “crazy doctor,” as we affectionately refer to her.
  • You should never EVER wear creepy fake eyelashes. Unless it’s Halloween.
  • You should definitely love your kids, but you should also love getting far, far away from them occasionally. “I don’t think I can leave my kids overnight–I’ll just miss them too much!” This–I DO NOT GET. Just so ya know.
  • You probably shouldn’t be severely allergic to dust. Had to throw in that medical disclaimer for my own liability.

So whaddya think?

Wanna be my friend?




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