Psst. Read This During Algebra Class!

Dear Internets,

Will you be my friend?

Check Yes or No.

Okay, before you answer, you may want to keep reading. I’ve got some stipulations and disclaimers that may influence your decision.

  • You should not be able to eat off your floor on a regular basis.
    Being able to occasionally drop a cookie on the floor (note that I said cookie and not carrot) and pick it up and pop it into your mouth without worry of ingesting a dog hair or piece of dried mud OR contracting a deadly foodborne illness is okay, but being able to do this on a daily basis is just not consistent with my lifestyle.
  • The phrase “My kids NEVER do that!” must not have ever escaped your lips. Unless you’re using a sarcastic tone.
  • You can exercise, but you mustn’t LOVE it. If you want to be able to tell your friend, “I can’t WAIT to run 10 miles after work!” and have her relate–or at the very least not kick you in the shins–then I may not be what you’re looking for.
  • You can be pretty, but you shouldn’t really know it or at least ACT like you know it. And you really shouldn’t work at it either. Occasionally primping or pampering is okay, but spending too much time at the spa getting your nails done, toes pedicured, bikini area waxed, lips plumped, face exfoliated, tummy tucked, boobs enhanced, wrinkles straightened, or thighs tanned just leaves less time for you to attend to MY needs. And that’s what’s really important here.
  • You must possess a sense of humor and like to laugh. A lot. Especially at subtle or stupid humor. Seinfeld? Napoleon Dynamite? Hot Rod? Brilliant. Will Ferrell? Pee-your-pants hilarious. Bubb Rubb and Lil’ Sis? Classic.
  • I’d like to be able to fart in front of you. Or at least announce that I need to. If that would nauseate you, you may want to consider checking No.
  • You need to tell me if I have food in my teeth or a booger in my nose. Put me in my place if I need it. Tell me I’m being stupid, or whiny, or catty. That’s what friends do.
  • You should probably enjoy hanging out doing not much of anything. Just chatting about everything from the raunchy smell of cooked cauliflower to what you think Heaven is like. While sipping a margarita, of course.
  • You mustn’t be a prude. These hands have touched poop–both human and that of a variety of animal species. They’ve pulled worms in half. They’ve scrubbed mold and vomit and probably even moldy vomit. I’ve witnessed pigs mating and pigs being castrated (no, not at the same time). “Princess” is not a term that has ever been used to describe me.
  • If you consider yourself just a smidgen crazy, that’s a plus. You shouldn’t hold it against me that I have to take my “happy pills” or visit my “crazy doctor,” as we affectionately refer to her.
  • You should never EVER wear creepy fake eyelashes. Unless it’s Halloween.
  • You should definitely love your kids, but you should also love getting far, far away from them occasionally. “I don’t think I can leave my kids overnight–I’ll just miss them too much!” This–I DO NOT GET. Just so ya know.
  • You probably shouldn’t be severely allergic to dust. Had to throw in that medical disclaimer for my own liability.

So whaddya think?

Wanna be my friend?

Yes

No

12 thoughts on “Psst. Read This During Algebra Class!”

  1. Okay, so I tried checking yes but it wouldn’t let me. Is that a sign? So here and now I am officially commenting ‘yes’, as I think I pass all of the requirements. One extra requirement I must place on you, pjmom, and anyone else wanting to be MY friend (am I confident or what?) is that you must hate the Cheap Trick song, “I Want You to Want Me.” Not just hate it, but LOATHE it with all your being. Just typing it and thinking about it is making me gag. I just can’t be friends with anyone who enjoys that annoying song. But if any of you Internets pass pjmom’s test plus my final qualifier, you can be my friend too. (Dr. Sprinkler, are you reading this????????)

  2. omg lmao @ both pjmom and momof2dancers. first of all, sorry momof2, but there’s a really cool punk version of that song that i must admit, i kinda like. it’s at the end of the movie 10 Things I Hate about You.

    Ok, as for all the other stuff…I totally pass all tests! I’m so happy!

    My only test is this: When you come to my door, and I step outside as to keep you from seeing the disaster that my living room has become, just smile and sit on the deck with me ๐Ÿ™‚

    Hope to see you both over the 4th. Happy Indie Day to you both.

  3. momof2dancers, ooh, for me it’s gotta be “Tom Sawyer” by Rush. Can’t really adequately express my disdain of that song. What makes it even worse is that Husband loves it.

    groovyteach, I won’t look at your living room if you won’t look at mine. ๐Ÿ™‚ And I’d love to sit on your deck.

  4. I checked yes, but nothing happened! lol But I definitely meat all the requirements!!

  5. GREAT. can’t wait to sit on the deck ๐Ÿ˜‰ and btw, don’t feel bad…my hubby’s ALL TIME FAVORITE band is Rush. I know every song *sigh*

  6. FGS (for goodness sakes) I know none of those songs you were whining about….you should have to listen to “Teen Angel” about 1,000 times…but guess there aren’t too many machines that play those little records anymore, are there?
    I have to say that some of YOUR groovy music has really grown on me, tho…such as Become, Become, Become a Comedian…always was one of my all time faves.
    PS And I’ve always been your friend…well, come to think of it…maybe not when you were in HS.

  7. That was hilarious- I barely squeak under the medical disclaimer- dust does me in(at least that’s what I tell the lucky child who’s turn it is to dust) but Spa- what is this Spa that you speak of? ๐Ÿ˜‰

  8. Ok, here goes:

    You cannot even occasionally eat off my kitchen floor. That is unless you follow the ’10 second’ rule.

    I don’t think my kids have never NOT dont that. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    I don’t love to exercise, so I just don’t do it.

    Ha, pretty!! I still have acne like a teenager and I rarely wear makeup. Plus, if anybody even tried to touch my toes for a pedicure they’d get a mouth full of toes.

    My sense of humor is usually attached to my sarcasm. So, if you can handle both we’re a great team.

    I will definitely tell you if you have food in your teeth or a booger in your nose. I might even try to get it out for you.

    Talking is my absolute favorite thing to do. Just ask my husband. I’d leave all other duties behind, except maybe Marcus duty, just to talk.

    I can’t say I’ve witnessed pigs mating, but I have see big turtles doing it at the DSM zoo. lol That’s a great story I’d have to tell you in person some day.

    I will not hold it against you that you take your ‘happy pills’ as long as you don’t hold it against me too, all 3 of mine. 1 of which I take multiple times a day. Plus, if you’d like to find out what being an inpatient in the psych ward at Iowa Lutheran is like, just ask me. I’m a pro!!!

    I have no allergy to dust and would love to sit outside to chat.

    Does that cover it all?

  9. I SOO can be your friend! In fact, I think we are highly compatable (compatible?). I am glad that knowing how to spell, and having a decent grasp of the English language was not a rule, or I would have been out for sure!

  10. Thank you so much to everyone who said they’d be my friend! It sounds like we are all highly compatible–at least in most categories! ๐Ÿ™‚ You all made my day!

  11. That is so funny! I kept snorting…because it seemed like you were talking to me…

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