Seriously, where was all this cool stuff when I was still having babies?!?

Posted On May 18, 2008

It’s like they’re taunting me. They know I’m done. No more babies for this mama. Not that I wouldn’t love to have another child…It’s just that I know my limitations. Like a rubber band, I know just how far I can be stretched until I either break or–even worse–go shooting across the room and put an eye out. So, why, oh why, must they come out with so many cool things for babies and baby-mamas now? Why, why, why?

Take, for instance, maternity clothes. This industry may well have made the most drastic improvements since I started having babies. When I was first pregnant, over *gulp* 11 years ago, maternity shirts were basically t-shirts that went to your knees. Soooo flattering for the pregnant belly. Was that supposed to fool everyone into thinking you didn’t really have another human being growing in your uterus? And that style did WONDERS for the butt too. Then there were the pants. Oh, the pants! Let’s see, take your pick: Either those knit pants tapered at the ankle to really accentuate the fact that your butt and stomach make you look like you are wearing an inner tube around your waist…OR a lovely pair of jeans, complete with the waist that ends right under your boobs and the, again, tapered legs that are about an inch too short to begin with and by the time you are in your ninth month, end right below your knees.

Now I find myself drawn to maternity clothes in the stores and actually consider purchasing them for my non-pregnant body and cutting out the tag so no one knows…In fact, I think maternity clothes have done a complete 180 and are now CUTER than non-maternity clothes. It’s a conspiracy…

I’m not against maternity tees with sayings on them. It’s just that the only choices when I was pregnant seemed to be “Baby on Board” or “Baby” with an arrow pointing down. Soooo clever. Now, however, a pregnant mama can make just about any statement with her belly! Take, for instance, this “Say hello to my lil friend” tee or this I’m-proud-to-be-hormonal Pregzilla shirt. Proof that the Wiggles and that make-your-baby-smart classical collection aren’t the only ones on the pregnant mama’s ipod–Rock Me Mama tees. Is it really so bad if your baby comes out of the womb already knowing the words to “Rock Me All Night Long” or “I Wanna Be Sedated”? And just knowing that I could wear M.C. Hammer on my preggo belly makes me ALMOST want to get knocked up again…almost…

Let’s move on to baby decor. Raise your hand if your nursery was decorated in one of the following: a) teddy bears or b) Baby Looney Tunes. I swear, those were the only choices when I was pregnant with my first. (We opted for the Teddy Bears. Tweety Bird frightens and confuses me.) Now, of course, new mamas have an almost limitless selection of bedding, blankets, and other accessories that are anything but “cutesy.” If I were to have Baby #4, I’d have a hard time deciding between this Modern Baby Boy Caffe Crib Bedding and the Animals Collection by Dwell Studio. (“I tawt I DIDN’T see a puddy-tat” in that nursery.)

And then there are the baby clothes. No longer resigned to all look alike in their white Gerber onesies and pastel Carter’s sleepers, babies now have it easier than ever to express their true selves (or at least who their mamas want their “true selves” to be). Some of these clothes are so stinkin’ cute I can’t stand it! Take, for instance, this creeper with a green pig saying “meow.” Oh, the irony! And it even comes in a tin lunch box! How cool is that? Or, if you want to get your baby on the road to ghettoville in a hurry, you can dress your little boy in this “Where my ho’s at?” tee. What may be even better than the saying on the shirt is the description of it: “When you are a pimp, your “Ho’s” are like your employees, and you have to know where your employees are.” I say true dat! The perfect shirt for a baby in my house may very well be this pirate shirt that exclaims “All hands on the poop deck!” What? … It even comes in a 6T? Ooh, some lucky boy in my house is gonna be wearing that for his school picture next fall…

Baby shoes used to be either 1) those horrible booties that would fall off their feet every 3.7 seconds or 2) bare feet. Now every baby I see has on those cute little soft shoes that actually STAY ON THEIR FEET (what a concept!) and are fashionable as well, like these Retro Bubbles Booties (What are the chances these come in a women’s size 9?) or these super-cute rocker baby pink guitar shoes that my baby girl would definitely have to have. How awesome is it that baby girls are no longer stuck with frilly girly-girl clothes? (Just say no to Disney Princesses!)

Okay, be honest now–how many of you have kept up-to-date with your child’s baby book? How many have purchased a baby book but only filled out the baby shower information even though your “baby” is now in first grade? How many have forgotten to even BUY a baby book for that 3rd or 4th child? Yeah, well, I’m blaming the fact that poor #3’s baby book is still shrink-wrapped on this excuse: his book is lame. If I had bought him this baby book, which was incidentally designed by a co-worker’s relative, I’d be looking for any excuse to write in it. “May 18, 2008, Today #3 picked his nose and then licked his finger.”

And where was this when I needed it? A Baby Care Timer for new parents! It tells you when you last changed a diaper, fed baby, laid baby down for a nap, and more–all at the push of a button! Now, if only if would actually change the baby, feed the baby, and rock the baby to sleep for you…

All right. Enough of the self-pity and new-mom envy. I don’t need any of that hip and trendy baby stuff to make me happy. All I need is my boys’ love…And this Zolo Cha Cha Buggy Rattle….And that’s all I need….I need this Angus the Cow Handsqueaker!…But that’s all I need. I need this too! And this! And this Fido Kerchief Bib! And that’s ALL I NEED!