My Twitter Responses That I Didn’t Tweet

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I have a bit of a love/hate relationship with Twitter. Granted, there’s some good stuff on there. Interesting scientific articles I wouldn’t otherwise come across. Play-by-plays of those high school games I can’t make it to. A video of a dog letting a squirrel dance on its head. Good stuff.

But there are also plenty of Tweets that I scroll through, thinking: I don’t know what they’re talking about; I’m not sure why I’m even following this person; I really don’t need to know what the nightly special is at the BBQ Palace in Tennessee. I don’t reply to these Tweets, but I do craft some responses in my mind. Allow me to get some of them off my chest.

Welcome to my newly updated front entrance! I added decorative baskets to hide the clutter.

By chance would you have decorative baskets big enough to hide 23 pairs of shoes and two pairs of mud-caked boots? What about three backpacks and two bags, a couple mateless mittens and a bowling ball? What do you think would look nice beside the liquid poop my dog left in our entryway the other day? I think a rug in just the right shade could’ve really complemented the cocoa brown color…

Spring Break is almost here! Walmart is your Smuckers #snackstation destination!

Note to Self: Read this since Walmart is probably the most exotic place we will visit this Spring Break. Besides, a snackstation sounds way more fun than a gas station or a police station. Or a weigh station.

Save Those Bananas to Make #Banana #Waffles

You posted this because you saw me throw away those three black bananas this morning, didn’t you? The ones that I found hidden under a couple questionable oranges in a basket on the counter. (The basket, of course, was itself covered by an empty plastic grocery sack and a half-eaten box of Girl Scout cookies.) I have such good intentions with bananas. I really do. I even once tried to freeze some disgusting rotting bananas so I could bake some delicious banana bread or maybe a banana cake with buttercream frosting. I threw the bananas away three years later.

Man pleads guilty in sex toy robbery case.

Wait–what? Why? This brings to mind all sorts of questions that I really wish were not in my mind. And pictures. Icky, icky pictures. Did he hold up a street vendor selling unmentionables out of his trench coat? Or was it some elaborate Mission-Impossible type heist that involved crawling through laser beam alarms to get to a locked glass case filled with a 24-karat fake wiener? Ewww. Just ewwww.

So MANY fun food ideas for HEALTHY ST. PATTY’S DAY FOODS.”

Ok, this would imply that I a) make special food for St. Patrick’s Day (or even really acknowledge apart from wearing my “Kiss Me I’m Iowish” T-shirt and possibly pinching one of the kids who inevitably isn’t wearing green)…and b) even if I DID make St. Patty’s Day food, you really think I would want to make it HEALTHY? Where’s the fun in that? 

The Ultimate Christmas Cookie Exchange (40+ Recipes)

Um, It’s March…?

#Sweepstakes — Enter to win a Bedroom Makeover Prize Package.

You’re implying I’m not already slumbering in the bedroom of my dreams. Complete with a couple of end tables that I purchased at Goodwill and (after spilling water and ruining the tops) have now covered in a lovely pattern of Contact paper; a canvas and plastic-covered clearly-made-for-college-students shelving unit that zips up the front but is too full to actually zip; a laundry basket completely overflowing with various sizes and shades of single socks that I’m afraid are never going to find their “sole”mate; plastic mini blinds in a soothing shade of yellowing-white and missing two slats, just enough to give passersby a show if they look closely; and a dog (yes, the one that poops in the entryway) usually burrowed under the covers of the unmade bed.

Your kids are always watching you. Be the person you want them to become. 

No pressure or anything! <<Flashback to last night when I spent the evening in bed on Twitter eating out of a half-gone bag of store-brand semi-sweet chips when I could have been feeding the hungry–or even feeding something besides Hot Pockets and hot dogs to my own kids. (Sadly, I’m really not kidding.)>>

10 Tips to Use Social Media for Motivation (Instead of Procrastination)

I’ll read that article tomorrow.

In case you missed it: Ad: Tyson Premium Cornish Hens Recipe

Hallelujah! Because I have a couple cornish hens in my fridge that I did NOT know what to do with! (Along with some figgy pudding.)

Thank you for allowing me to Tweet-vent, friends. I feel so much better.

Now excuse me while I check Twitter to see what I’ve missed…