Thanks, Marie Osmond. Thanks a LOT.

I’m feeling fat. And as a comedian said on a special Husband and I watched last night: “Not p-h-a-t phat. F-f-f-f-f-f fat.”

Clothes that were too big I have now “grown into.” The distinction between my chin and my neck is steadily disappearing. The thought of my stuffing my body into my swimsuit tomorrow for our family “spring break vacation” (a night in a hotel 5 miles away) is causing me to throw up a little in my mouth.

And then there’s Marie Osmond.

Being home with a sick kid four out of five workdays this week, I found myself watching a lot of television, or at least catching up on all of my blogs and twittering like a schoolgirl working with the TV on in the background.

Yesterday, Boy #2 and I were in the family room with something highly educational like Pokemon or Tom & Jerry on the TV. A commercial for NutriSystem came on with Marie Osmond, who’s lost like 45 pounds and looks flippin’ awesome! Now, would you think a 7-year-old would be paying attention to a commercial for a dieting system? Yeah, me neither, but when the commercial was over, Boy #2 turned to me and said, in all seriousness, “Mom, you should do that!”

“Why?” I asked. “Do you think I’m fat?”

Word of advice: Do NOT ask your children if they think you are fat, unless you really want brutal honesty.

You can guess what his response was.

“Yes.”

Then I’m guessing he saw my face deflate like our air mattress does anytime I have to sleep on it. And being the kindhearted boy he is, he added, “But just a little.”

Thanks, C-Man, thanks.

And thanks a lot, Marie Osmond, for rubbing your newfound hot body in my face.

(I’m guessing you didn’t eat two Lindt chocolate truffles for breakfast this morning either, did you, Marie? *Sigh.*)

Once again, I’m jealous of Marie Osmond. Thanks for bringing to the surface those painful memories of trying to recreate the “Donny & Marie” show and finding out that my voice is about as pleasant to listen to as a blender full of broken glass. I just wanted to be “a little bit country” too…Was that too much to ask?

Apparently it was. And still is.

Are you happy, Marie?

3 thoughts on “Thanks, Marie Osmond. Thanks a LOT.”

  1. Oh No! Kids are honest to a fault aren’t they. Boo had said something like that about Seattle Sutton commercials. And she didn’t eve say “a little”. Blah.

  2. That does it, I’m totally cancelling my cable and not buying one of those antena things… right after Desperate Housewives tonight! It’s so sad that the “ideal” beauty is pounded into our children’s brains before they can even think for themselves. My 2 year old, shortly after her sister was born, looked at my naked stomach, fat and flabby, drooping over my C-section cut, with my still black belly button, and said in horror “eewww! What is that!” And I said that was my tummy. And she said “No mommy, that’s not a tummy, this is a tummy!” and pointed to the flat taunt belly of Ariel, the sexy 16 year old little mermaid. Where the hell is her father to let her swim about in that trashy outfit anyway? And why does my kid idolize her? Heavy sigh.

  3. My Baby asked me last night what those lines on my forehead were. (meaning my WRINKLES)
    *sob*

    P.S. I took your survey!

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