That’s It—I’ve Seen Enough!

Posted On August 4, 2010

What is it with people this week? Are they trying to make me gag?

I mean, really — I’ve seen enough. And it’s got to stop.

First off, I should mention that it’s hot here. Well, it’s not so much the heat as it is the humidity. (If you’re from the Midwest, you’ll appreciate that little joke.)

But, really, the word “steamy” doesn’t even begin to describe how oppressive it’s been some days. When I walk outside and my glasses immediately fog over, I know I’m in trouble.

So I understand that people get hot when they’re outside here. But if I have to see one more guy without his shirt on, I may just lose it.

You’re probably wondering if there’s something wrong with me. Not wanting to look at a guy without his shirt? Well, here’s the deal. Most of the guys I see without their shirts on are not the kind of guys I enjoy looking at when they’re wearing clothes. Summer in downtown Des Moines seems to be an excuse for any man, young or old, to just rip off his shirt and walk the streets half-naked. He doesn’t even have to be exercising. He could be just walking, carrying a Big Gulp from the convenience store and smoking a cigarette. And most of the time, he’s wearing jeans, which really confuses me because if he’d just put on a pair of shorts, he probably wouldn’t be so warm that he felt the need to de-clothe from the waist up.

I’ve seen an old gray-haired hippie wearing a backpack — shirtless. I’ve seen 80-year-old men running with nothing but those teeny runner’s shorts. (WHY?! WHY?!) I’ve seen what I’m pretty sure was a homeless person. All without shirts.

Yes, I’ve seen plenty of guys jogging on their lunch breaks or after work who can actually pull off not wearing a shirt, too. But here’s my beef: Why do guys get to strip down near-naked in public just because they’re hot? Women don’t get to do that. I mean, even if I were beautiful and thin enough to pull it off, a running bra is the closest thing to naked as I could be in public without getting arrested. We not only have to wear shirts, but we have to wear bras underneath those shirts. (Well, some of us do.) It’s not exactly cool, but we do it and we don’t complain. Cause we’re women, that’s why.

Men can’t even stand to put on a barely-there mesh tank top? That’s too hot for them? They wouldn’t last one day in our shoes, that’s for sure. Wimps.

So along with being utterly tired of seeing half-naked guys (I’m not sure I’ve ever typed that phrase before), I’m also getting really tired of seeing public displays of affection. And I appear to be a magnet for the lovesick couples lately. Blech.

It’s one thing to make out while walking on the beach, or if you’re standing underneath the Eiffel Tower on your honeymoon in Paris . . . but Hy-Vee on a Sunday afternoon? Really? Really?!

I’m not sure if it was the organic corn chips or the battery display that turned them on, but they were not the least bit embarrassed to be locking lips in the middle of an extremely busy grocery store aisle.

When I go to the grocery store, I want to get in, grab my toilet paper and hot dogs, and get out. I am in no mood for a side show of any sort, especially if it involves tongue, thank you.

Another place I don’t enjoy seeing a couple that can’t keep their hands off each other? The pediatric dentist’s office at 8:15 in the morning.

I kid you not.

Granted, it was a high school couple, the boy’s mom was with them, and they didn’t make out in front of me. But they were practically laying on the seats, he had his arm around her, and they were tickling and flirting and whispering in each other’s ears. I could cut the sexual tension with a knife.

I’m not sure why the girlfriend had to accompany her boyfriend, his mom, and his two sisters to the dentist’s office before 9 a.m., but I really wanted to ask the mom what she was thinking. I mean, if they’re doing this in a dentist’s office surrounded by toys and 5-year-olds with toothbrushes, what could they possibly do when they’re alone? I am not going to allow my mind to go there. Mostly because I have three boys and I do not want to face the fact that I may have to deal with a similar situation soon enough. (Although I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t invite their girlfriends along on the family dentist trip.)

So, it’s only Wednesday, and I’ve already seen enough this week to last me at least until Christmas. So if everyone I come into contact with could just remain clothed and keep their hands to themselves, I would appreciate it.

(My husband, of course, is the exception.)

Thank you very much.