Where to begin?

Posted On June 13, 2008

First off, sorry for neglecting you yesterday. I hope you didn’t take it personally. It’s been a craaazy last couple of days! Allow me to recap.

The Games
After upsetting the #1 team in the tournament on Tuesday evening, Boy #1 and the rest of the Marlins played in the semi-final round of the city tournament on Wednesday evening. Oh, and Boy #2 had a T-ball game that night also. So I sat in the dugout with the 5- and 6-year-old Red Sox, trying to help maintain some semblance of control and make sure no one injured anyone else while waiting for their turn to bat. BTW, I failed miserably on that one as one boy managed to bonk another on the head with a metal bat when I wasn’t looking. This poor boy also got hit in the family jewels by a line drive in the previous game. T-ball’s a rough sport! Anyway, so after Boy #2’s game, we high-tailed it clear across the sports complex to Boy #1’s game, which I swear is about 10 miles. Felt like it anyway, especially when you’re dragging a 3-almost-4-year-old who’s whining, “Caaaaaarrrry meeeee!” (An Iowa Mom, if you’re reading this, you know how far it is across Prairie Ridge Sports Complex. Feel my pain!) So we finally collapsed on the bleachers in front of Boy #1’s game in the bottom of the second inning. The opposing team, the Cubs, were inspired, hitting the proverbial snot out of the ball. The Marlins? Not so much. And of course, I missed Boy #1’s awesome catch at 3rd base. Figures. I’m not even sure what the final score was, something like 1 million to 3 I think, because I spent the remainder of the game wrestling Boy #3 who managed to yell-whine one phrase, and one phrase only, for an hour and a half: “I waaaaant pizzaaaaaaaa!” Right in my ear. I’m sure all the other parents enjoyed listening to it as well. I’m sure they were thinking, “I’ll give you the stinkin’ $2 for a slice–just make him shut up!” But did I give in? No? Proud of me? He had just eaten a sandwich before the game, and I knew we were going to eat with my in-laws after the game, so I wasn’t going to get him a slice of pizza. For once, I held my guns but paid for it with a splitting headache and throbbing eardrums.

The Restaurant
So after the game, I stuffed a screaming 3-almost-4-year-old in his carseat (He wanted to ride with his uncle.) and we headed to Okoboji Bar & Grill. At this point, I should’ve taken advantage of the BAR part of Bar & Grill. Had I known how the rest of the night would go, I would’ve definitely ordered something stronger than an iced tea. So we’re at the restaurant with my mom and dad-in-laws, my brother-in-law, and my 3-going-on-40 adorable nephew. Seriously, his vocabulary is better than mine and he says things like, “Well, I believe we should order now.” Too cute! So we had two 3-year-olds sitting beside each other and a 6-year-old across the table. You can imagine the scene, I’m sure. Burping. Gargling. Running around the table. Crawling under the table. Laughing hysterically at things that really weren’t funny to anyone except 3-year-olds. Fighting over a toy jet.

At one point, I was listening to my 3-year-old repeat something my 6-year-old had said. Figuring he was pronouncing it wrong like he often did, I asked my 6-year-old, “What are you saying?”

As matter-of-factly as he could, he replied, “Bitchy Bob.”

Yeah, that’s what it sounded like he was saying.

Next came a stern conversation about the word “bitchy” being a naughty word and we don’t say naughty words. I have no idea who Bob is, by the way, nor why he’s “bitchy.”

What else happened?…Ah, yes, after Boy #3 told me twice he had to go potty and getting there successfully, I looked over towards the end of our meal to see him standing up and making “the face.” Moms, you know “the face,” don’t you? Yeah. Of course, I thought we were “potty-twained,” so I had nothing with me. So I drug Boy #3 into the bathroom AGAIN to attempt to clean him up before I had to sit him in his carseat to go home. Now, I’m sure you’re going to think this is really disgusting, but I have to preface it by telling you that I have bought MORE underwear in the past 6 months than I care to in my lifetime. I probably could’ve sent Boy #3 to a year of college for what I’ve spent on underwear trying to potty-train this boy. So when I saw that the underwear was “salvageable,” I wrapped it in a double layer of toilet paper and paper towels and did what I had to do—stuck it in my purse. When I got back to the table with my poopy underwear in tow, I saw that Boy #2 was sitting up in his chair, Red Sox cap down over his eyes, completely asleep.

About this time, Husband called. (Did I mention that he wasn’t there for any of this? He had a Little League coach’s meeting after the game.) As the waitress was clearing our food, he called to say he was on his way. So I waited with Boy #2 sleeping in the chair, Boy #3 going commando with his underwear in my purse, and Boy #1 being good (Thank God). After a few minutes of visiting, I announced that I was taking Boy #2 and Boy #3 home and Husband could take Boy #1 home when he was done eating.

The Accident
By the time I got home, both kids were completely asleep. So I had to make two trips into the house carrying what felt like a sack of potatoes, up the stairs, and into their beds. Take off their clothes and shoes. Cover them up, and give them kisses. Whew. When I finally sat down to write a post for you, I was exhausted but refreshed at the silence I was experiencing for the first time all day. That’s when the phone rang. It was Husband.

“Hey, we just got hit. Can you call the police?” Can you say, “adrenalin rush?” First of all, they were okay, but Boy #1 was really shook up. Some idiot just didn’t even see them and pulled right out, plowed into them, and spun the car around. Luckily, Husband swerved so the guy just missed hitting the front passenger-side door where Boy #1 was sitting. So I called the police and then went downstairs to rifle through our papers to find our current insurance card because the one Husband had in the glove compartment had expired a month ago. GREAT! Of course, I had two sleeping kids upstairs, so I called the in-laws, who weren’t that far out of town yet, and asked them if they’d come by and get the insurance card to take to Husband. Of course they did because they are awesome and would do anything for us! It made me feel better to know that Grandma was going to go give Boy #1 a hug too. Finally, the boys limped home in the injured car which we can’t drive because it has a big gap between the door and the rest of the car and since we’re in the middle of a flood here in Iowa, it rains every day. So we’re down to one car with two of us working. Fortunately, my job is fairly flexible and my boss is the best so I was able to take yesterday off so husband could go teach his college class.

The Family Photos
So…yesterday…did I mention that we had family pictures scheduled for last night? And I hadn’t even gotten clothes for all of us to wear yet? And Husband and Boy #1 looked like mountain men with their scraggly hair? (Remember Husband’s last haircut?) So you can imagine how fun yesterday was. Calling the insurance company. Going to Kohl’s and trying to find something for me, Boy #1 and Boy #2 to wear. Sending Husband and Boy #1 to SportClips to get their hairs cut. All with one car. And with Husband being gone all morning teaching at the community college. Oh, and Boy #2 having to get to his SmART camp at the school in the morning also (I had to borrow my sister’s van to take him). Oh, and the DOG who somehow broke through his collar when Boy #1 was trying to take him on a walk, so Husband had to go to PetSmart and get him another collar so he could go out. (He still managed to pee in his kennel once, poop in his kennel once, and poop in Boy #2’s room when he escaped from his kennel once and was running like a maniac all around the house.) Somehow, MIRACULOUSLY, we all managed to get showered, dressed, and to the park to meet our photographer on time. And as I told the family, “We look GOOOOOD!” You can guess how easy it is to get three boys to all smile and look at the camera at the same time. And smile a REAL smile. Boy #2 already has this creepy fake smile he does, and then to top it off, he decided to be all weird last night and was making funny faces and showing off for Mindy, the photographer. This is precisely WHY I chose Mindy to take our pictures. She is by far the best photographer I’ve ever seen, and she doesn’t make the kids try to stay in a strange pose, head to the side, hand on your knee. She takes more documentary-style photography. Captures the kids’ personalities, which in our case, is necessary. Seriously, check out her Web site. She is sooooo good! I cannot wait to see our photos! I’ll see if I can post a link to them for you to see once she’s published them on her site.

The Restaurant (Again)
So after our photo session, Husband suggested we go out to eat “FOR THE LAST TIME IN A LONG TIME,” he said since we’ve eaten out WAYYY too much lately. He had a hankering for Olive Garden since we haven’t eaten there for years, so we tried to get in. Yeah. 55 minute wait. I don’t think so. Red Lobster next door could get us right in. Red Lobster it was. Watching Husband teach Boy #1 to properly crack snow crab legs and suck out the meat was a moment I shan’t soon forget. All in all, it was a good time. The kids were pretty well-mannered. Well, except for the burps and the occasional yelling. But for them, they were pretty good. And before we were finished, Boy #2 blew me away with his “mental math.” Seriously, are most first-graders able to add 750 +750 in their heads? Yeah, he kind of scares me. I think he’s smarter than me.

So there you have it, folks. A rundown of the last couple of days in my life. I realize that I missed Thriftilicious Thursday. I hope you were able to celebrate it without me. I’ll try to make it up to you next week.

The End
Better get ready for work! Have a funkadelic Friday!