Well, kids, it’s been a bumpy last few weeks here in the Boogers & Burps house. Sickness and crabbiness seem to be running rampant, hand in hand, and Christmas keeps coming at us like an out-of-control freight train. There’s just no slowing it down. To give you a glimpse of what’s been happening in our neck of the woods, I present you with my “Who knew?” list.
- A fleece blanket will melt if held against the fireplace glass. And how do I know this? Nope, not from MythBusters. Instead, Boy #2 unknowingly conducted his own little experiment the other night. He was cold, as always. I’m sure it has nothing to do with the fact that it’s winter in Iowa and 90 percent of the time he’s wearing nothing but his underwear at home. But nonetheless, he was cold and was apparently getting closer and closer to our gas fireplace. Instead of putting on socks, he decided he’d warm his feet by putting them on the glass of the fireplace, but because they were getting burned from touching it directly, he thought he’d put the fleece blanket he’d made his dad in between his feet and the fireplace glass. It wasn’t until I heard him yelling and tearing up the stairs that I noticed the distinct burning smell. Upon investigating, I saw the huge melted swirl stuck on the fireplace glass. It would’ve actually been kind of pretty if it hadn’t represented: 1) a ruined blanket, and 2) a possibly ruined fireplace. Fortunately, after letting it cool, most of the melted polyester peeled right off. Unfortunately, the prognosis of the blanket is not as positive.
- Doctors used to say that 20% of dog bites caused infection, but now they say it’s only 5%. This I learned from a doctor at the walk-in clinic after being treated for the nice little Christmas gift The Dog gave me. I went to bring him inside off his cable tie-out, like I always do, and apparently he was having too much fun running the fence with the neighbor dogs. The result was a pretty painful dog bite that fortunately didn’t require stitches but unfortunately now requires me to find another home for the family pet. At Christmas.
- The tooth fairy takes I.O.U’s. Boy #3 lost his second tooth, and when I say lost, I mean lost. He had to write a note to the Tooth Fairy again, just as he’d done after losing (yes, really losing) his first tooth. He’s just lucky that the Tooth Fairy isn’t a stickler for the rules.
- Betty White likes to party — hard. This is according to a dream I had this week. I can always tell when I’m feeling stressed by the weirdness of my dreams, and over the past few weeks I’ve had some doozies. My apologies to Betty; I’m not sure why she appeared in my dream, nor why we were partying together. It had something to do with a tiny little apartment I was renting from a nice but not overly hygienic landlady. Perhaps it was a housewarming party? Anyway, Betty and I were totally bonding, as I’m sure we would in real life. In fact, we bonded so much that it became my responsibility to get her home, and the poor girl kept throwing up. I think I even held back her white permed hair for her while she hurled, as is the measure of true friendship. The guest list at my dream party now includes Tina Fey, Cloris Leachman AND Betty White. We would eat Cheesy Blasters and Hostess Ding-Dongs, drink cheap wine and watch alternating episodes of 30 Rock, Raising Hope and Golden Girls. And we’d laugh and laugh…
So there you have it. Who knew? Maybe you wish you didn’t now too.